Bridging the Gap Between Military and Civilian Worlds

Every work day for the last year and a half, I've eaten lunch with one of my co-workers. Let's call her Mary. She's old enough to be my mother, and she's way more vocal about her political views than I care to be, but overall I enjoy spending my lunch breaks with her.

Somehow in the last year and a half, we've never once discussed military life. She tells me about her children and her grandchildren and her aging mother, and we trade stories about our students and lesson plans and recipes. But for some reason, I've never really opened up about military life. Until one day last week.

I don't remember how or why the discussion started, but before I could stop myself, I was telling her all about the military lifestyle.  I told her about the yin and yang of deployments, that despite how tough they are, they're also an exercise in personal growth and strength. I told her how reintegration isn't as romantic as the homecoming videos we see on television, but that these reunions are a great way to get to know our spouses again. I told her how unusual it is that my family has lived at this duty station for over three years, and while I love the stability, I sometimes miss the adventures we had living overseas.

I went on to explain some of the current issues military families are facing such as President Obama's plan to downsize the military, defense spending cuts, and the difficulties spouses have finding employment. I told her about young widows whose children never got the chance to meet their daddies and wives who have transformed into caregivers for their wounded warriors. And I told her about the many wonderful resources and organizations that provide support for service members and their families.

By the time I finished, I was practically out of breath. And Mary's jaw was practically on the floor.

"I had no idea," she stammered before falling silent. As long as I've known Mary, she's never been short on words. But the picture I had painted for her of the ins and outs of military life had rendered her speechless.

I've always been aware of the gap between military and civilian worlds, but this was one of the first times I actually made an attempt to bridge that gap. Many military spouses, including myself, express their belief that the general public doesn't understand our lifestyle. But after my discussion with Mary, I wonder if we make enough of an effort to help them understand. Do we respond to questions openly or do we dismiss them because we think the people asking them couldn't possibly understand? Do we share stories about our lives just as our non-military friends share stories about theirs?  Do we consider the fact that maybe people really are curious but they don't know how to ask us about our lives?

Mary has never asked me about military life, but the topic of the military has come up in conversation many times when we’ve discussed current events and headline news. For some reason, I never contributed to these discussions with my personal experiences. But last week, as I opened myself up and answered her questions, I was surprised to discover that she was genuinely interested. And I'm quite certain that the next time she watches a segment on the news about a fallen service member or reads a newspaper article about the defense budget, she'll think about our conversation and consider the implications of these events for military families instead of deconstructing them strictly from a political viewpoint.

I'm also quite certain that it's conversations like these that can help bridge the gap between military and civilian worlds.  So let’s keep talking.

Wife on the Roller Coaster is a proud military spouse, a mother of two military brats, a kindergarten teacher, and a freelance writer. During her nine year marriage to the military, she has completed countless change of address forms, mastered the art of packing, and battled Murphy’s Law as she conquered her husband’s deployments. She blogs about her adventures as a military spouse at Riding the Roller Coaster (http://www.ridingtherollercoaster.com).